Dear Albie,

He recently found himself in the all too familiar position of dishing out relationship advice. Not having actually been in a relationship, he should be the very last person dishing out advice. And the apparent irony of the situation usually encourages some degree of soul searching. Which can only lead up to the most logical of conclusions. He should start a relationship column, specifically targeted for girls. The logic is infallible. Besides, "Dear Albie," does have a nice heterosexual but platonic ring to it.

Be warned however that this is purely based on his limited experience with girls framed in the context of the typical male common sense(which means that there will be alot of generalizing of which he will be an exception to). Reader discretion is advised. And if you somehow identify "too much" with this:
1) Dont flatter yourself.
2) A sense of humour wouldnt hurt. Anything else would be risky.

You like a boy. Now what?

Its unfortunate, but you have to admit, it does happen. This is usually the first step to feelings of insecurity, jealousy, heartache, confusion, detachment from the living world etc etc. And of course, if you make it past all that, then theres the the world's leading cause of divorce: marriage. Which is followed by the burden of childbearing and constantly comforting yourself that it cant possibly get any worse than this. Optimism will only take you so far. You may be programmed to believe that all of this is worth it, but its really all a lie mothers tell their daughters to ensure the process of procreation continues despite how much it sucks. So basically, dont like that boy(generalization of which he is an exception to). But if you do anyway, considering most of the time its not a choice, and even if it was, alot of you girls would chose to do it anyway, there are certain things that you shouldnt do, so that, at least it sucks a little less.



1) Dont stalk. But if you are going to do it anyway, dont do it together with your girlfriends. Thats about as subtle as a tourist group. Always remember the golden rule: Glance, not stare. Theres nothing creepier than to feel someones line of sight boring into your back, then turning and making eye contact with the person staring at you, who then smiles as she is looking dead straight at you. Actually if the entire tour group does it it becomes even more creepier, so it can get creepier actually. Point is dont stalk.

2) Dont go to excessive lengths to draw attention to yourself. Shouting at your boy in public is conspicuos to say the least. Cant even think of a sarcastic analogy for this one.

3) Dont tell anyone about your crush no matter how much you think its a great idea.

Yes this is difficult. Not even your closest girlfriend. Actually admitting this to someone is a slippery slope to go down because once you tell one person, theres no reason for you to withhold anymore. Like virginity really. Once you do it, theres no reason to hold back. And of course, word spreads. The last thing you want is the whole world being on your case about your crush, and interpreting everything you do or say to be linked to that boy. Almost as if your whole world revolves around him. OK maybe thats true. But still, it gets annoying after a while.

You: A sparrow is a brown bird.
Annoying girlfriends(AGF): Brown bird?? *laughter*

You: The wind is blowing.
AGF: Who were you blowing? *laughter*

et cetera, et cetera.

4) Dont jump the gun.
Its never a good idea to tell the guy you like him too early. He has to actually get to know you first before you drop the bombshell. And no, him knowing you exist doesnt count. The reason for this is simple really. To drop the bomb too early is only ok if you are so mind blowingly hot of sex goddess proportions that no hot blooded male would resist you or if said boy likes you. Which really amounts to the same thing. Then you basically cant do no wrong. Not even if you are related to him. This does make men seem quite shallow, but its hardwired into their brain you see, you cant resist biology now can you(of course, this is another generalization of which he is an exception to)? But if you are a mere mortal, leveraging on just your looks may not be the greatest idea. Let him get to know you first and hope you charm his socks off. Even if its a painfully slow process. At least you'll give yourself a shot. Once you have some space to manuevre, then you can go all Rambo and go in with guns blazing and hope for the best. Be assertive. Take the lead. Once he's following like a puppy, go all cold on him and see if he still follows. If hes on your tail, mission accomplished girl. If not, then hes not that into you after all. Cosmetic surgery is always an option.

5) Dont induce commitmophobic fears.

I love yous a few weeks after getting to know said boy is not cool. It may have been months for you but for him its still only a few weeks. Even if you get it back it wouldnt be sincere. Male rationale will work it out like this.

1. I love chocolate ice cream.
2. I'd love to taste chocolate ice cream.
3. I'd love to taste said girl.
4. Therefore, I love girl.

Seriously, dont bother.

Note: Marriage proposals should wait till at least a month after you start dating. Not a month before.

6) Never get third party involvement.
You shouldnt ever send a girlfriend to do what you should do. You cant take credit for shots that you dont take, if you cant go out there and get what you want, then you dont deserve to have it. Stay at home and feed your fantasies. After all, what were all those bras burnt for? The only real female empowerment that exists is sexual power, everything else is socially engineered. The choice of a mate lies solely in your hands. The male can persue, but you get to decide. Thats huge power right there. You'd be wasting it waiting on the scraps that fall from the table of empowered women dating men you can only dream of. Then competing with other women for scraps. Scraps who are also supposed to find his way to your door and declare himself Mr Right. If you see a guy you like, you go for it. Yourself. At least on priciple. The real reason is simply this. Utilising a third person, makes you the third person from his point of view, leaving your Best Friend Forever and said boy in their bubble of romantic sentiments. Even if shes just the messenger. You're just some girl that likes him. And pretty soon she'll be delivering her own messages. He has seen this happen before. This is no hypothetical situation.

BFF: Hey my friend there thinks you're cute and wants to have your number.
Boy: I think you're cute. Can I have your number?

(cue catfight)

At least make sure your BFF/messenger isnt a sex Goddess.

Well thats the top 6 things you probably shouldnt do. He was aiming for a top 10, but yeah, inexperiance can kinda limit ones relationship advice giving abilities. However hes pretty sure once he does get a girlfriend, thinking of things girls should never do in the context of romance would be much easier. He could probably do a top 100 and countdown from there.

Yes girls arent perfect, but he acknowledges that boys arent either. Of course, thats a generalization, of which, there are bound to be some notable exceptions.